


Making It Feel Safe

by isnt_that_wizard



Series: We'll Always Be More Than A Band (JATP) [12]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex Has Anxiety (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex has a girlfriend before he comes out, Angst, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Relationships, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Good Significant Other Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Happy Ending, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Post-Canon, Pre-Canon, Protective Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Protective Reggie (Julie and The Phantoms), Sexuality, a long fic, everyone has a crush on luke, figuring out sexuality, i promise i'm not that person, it evolved into a fic, minor mentions of alex/luke, please don't be thrown by the alex/ofc, so much internalized homophobia, supportive friendships, this started as a headcanon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:47:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,658
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27395212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isnt_that_wizard/pseuds/isnt_that_wizard
Summary: Alex thinks it first started running through his brain when he was 13. He didn’t know what to think about it at first. He thought it was just a usual thing. But then Luke would nudge him, asking where his mind had gone as he zoned out during class or lunch. Alex would snap his eyes away from Josh Michaelson to look back to his best friend, who was watching him with a confused look, and he would think that just maybe, something was weird about him. Then Reggie would talk about how pretty Minnie Carlson’s hair looked that day and that he blushed whenever she looked at him, and Alex thought she looked fine, but not as great as Reggie made her seem. Then the other guys in their grade started asking the girls on dates, and Alex realized that he didn’t want that.----------Everyone has a different journey of discovering their sexuality. For some people, it can be easy. For Alex, not so much. This is the story of how Alex came to terms with who he was and how those in his life helped him, making him feel comfortable and safe with who he was.
Relationships: Alex (Julie and The Phantoms)/Original Female Character(s), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Series: We'll Always Be More Than A Band (JATP) [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1956307
Comments: 28
Kudos: 205





	Making It Feel Safe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [zendrella](https://archiveofourown.org/users/zendrella/gifts).



> CW: internalized homophobia, dating someone of the opposite sex to hide homosexuality, panic attacks and anxiety
> 
> Dedicating this to my lovely new friend zendrella, who has been absolutely lighting up my days <3 credit to her for part of this fic included in the ending notes!!

One of those most popular questions people asked when someone came out to them was “how long have you known?” Answers always vary- for some people they say they’ve known since they were kids, some people discovered it just recently, some people share their awkward sexual awakening stories, and for some people, it had been a long, frustrating, and confusing struggle. 

Alex knew that struggle. He knew all about the fear, the anxiety, the  _ confusion.  _ It took him years to accept the fact that he was gay. The journey had been. . . interesting, to say the least. Alex thinks it first started running through his brain when he was 13. He didn’t know what to think about it at first. He thought it was just a usual thing. But then Luke would nudge him, asking where his mind had gone as he zoned out during class or lunch. Alex would snap his eyes away from Josh Michaelson to look back to his best friend, who was watching him with a confused look, and he would think that just maybe, something was weird about him. Then Reggie would talk about how pretty Minnie Carlson’s hair looked that day and that he blushed whenever she looked at him, and Alex thought she looked  _ fine _ , but not as great as Reggie made her seem. Then the other guys in their grade started asking the girls on dates, and Alex realized that he didn’t  _ want that. _

It terrified him to even think about. He’d heard the word for it before. What he thought he might be. He’d heard kids using it as an insult meant to cut deep, he’d read in classes about the diseases devastating the world that seemed to lead back to that one thing, he’d seen his parents sneers and glares when they passed someone in the street who they thought was like that. Alex hated thinking about it. He didn’t want it. He didn’t want to be. . .  _ that. _ There would never be anything good that could come from it. 

It was always living there in the back of his brain, though. He would catch himself watching Josh too long again, watching  _ Luke _ as he played around with a new tune on his guitar for their vague semblance of a band, and then he’d go home and scream into a pillow. He hated going to gym class because his heart rate would spike almost violently with anxiety. He inwardly cringed as he sat through yet another painstakingly long sermon about hellfire and damnation as his parents dragged him to church. He never knew what to say when he’d sit in Luke’s basement with him, Reggie, and Bobby and they talked about how pretty all the girls at school were. He tried desperately to ignore it all. If he didn’t think about it, it wasn’t real, right?

It didn’t help that he felt more and more stressed every single day. Everything in life seemed to set him off into heavy breathing, too high heart rates, and shaking hands. The only time he truly felt calm and comfortable was with Luke and Reggie. The two of them had helped him through what he’d started “episodes”. He’d get so panicky that he couldn’t stop shaking, and he couldn’t breath, and his vision would go blurry. Reggie told him he’d read about it in one of the endless books he checked out from the library- anxiety disorder, it was apparently called. 

Because Alex needed a new layer to the already confusing moments of his life. 

He never tried to bring it up with his parents. They just thought he was being dramatic when he’d get so stressed about school he’d cry or when he’d clench his jaw so hard it would hurt the next day. He just needed to get over it in their minds. Be their perfect image of a perfect son. 

The anxiety, Alex thought, he could learn to deal with. He was getting used to it, and he didn’t need to call Luke or Reggie every time he felt nervous. And if he could deal with that, start making it go away, then maybe the other thing could go away, too. It was just his brain not working right. So every time he found his gaze directed at Josh, or Luke, or sometimes Reggie, he forced himself to look at Maggie, or Samantha, or Carolina instead. For two years, he just tried to  _ train  _ himself to ignore it all. One day, though, he noticed one of the girls he was repeatedly telling himself was gorgeous and made his heart skip was watching him  _ back.  _

Her name was Daphne, and she was new to their high school this year. She’d only been in LA a few weeks now. Alex knew that all the guys in school seemed to have caught her in their eye. Boys would go out of their way in the hallways to walk her to class, and he was pretty sure she’d been asked out at least once every other day. But here she was, staring at  _ Alex  _ of all people. 

Luke and Reggie had caught on to it after a day or two, because of course they had. They’d cornered him after band practice- they had an actual  _ band _ now- and practically interrogated him about it. 

“Bro, you  _ had  _ to have noticed that Daphne has been staring at you lately!” Luke said with a smile, shaking Alex by his shoulders. He was excited about it. Alex knew he should be, too. He filled with a blush at the fact that his brothers had noticed. The boys took it to mean something totally different than the embarrassment he was feeling, though. 

Reggie smiled excitedly, punching Alex’s shoulder. “Dude! You totally like her, don’t you?”

Alex didn’t even know what to say. They had spent the rest of the night trying to convince Alex that asking her out was the best decision he could possibly be making. Alex disagreed, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that maybe. . . maybe it was a blessing in disguise. A girl liked him. And he. . . he could like her, too, someday. She  _ was,  _ objectively, very pretty. And she was nice, and smart, and he’d overheard her Walkman in the hallway playing David Bowie. Daphne had a smile that made Alex want to smile right back, and every time they’d talked, they’d gotten along pretty well. 

So maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea after all. Maybe he could ask Daphne out on just one date. If he did, maybe he’d learn that everything he’d been feeling was just a fluke, and the stares he’d been giving Luke more and more lately were just a coincidence. If there was any girl he could fall for, it would be Daphne. 

So the next day, during work time of their shared math class, Alex did it. He stumbled and blushed and panicked his way through asking Daphne to go on a date with him. She’d blushed, giggled, and brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear nervously as she said  _ yes.  _

And Alex- Alex wasn’t sure what happened really. One date turned into two, two turned into three, and three turned into weeks later, sitting in the diner down the street from Alex’s house while Daphne blushed and asked him when he was going to officially ask her to be his girlfriend. The mortification that ensued was horrific, but Alex thought once again, maybe this was a good thing. He really did like her. Spending time with Daphne made him happy, made him smile like he did when he was hanging out with Luke and Reg, and he was slowly but surely feeling more and more comfortable around her. And no one would ever think he was. . .  _ that _ when he had a girlfriend.

So it became official. Alex had a girlfriend. He walked Daphne to her classes, held her hand during lunch as they listened to Luke, Reggie, and Bobby debate over new songs for the band, and they went on dates. It was, in the eyes of the whole school, the ideal relationship. On the surface, they looked happy and adorable and completely perfect. But the school and the band didn’t see behind the scenes. They didn’t hear the awkwardly lapping silence between Alex and Daphne during their dates. They didn’t notice that Alex’s hands shook ever so slightly every time he took Daphne’s hand. They didn’t know that in the two months they’d been official, Alex had never done more than kiss her on the cheek. 

It all came to a head one day after school, when Daphne had come over to Alex’s otherwise empty house to study and watch movies. When Luke and Reggie had found out that both of Alex’s parents and his siblings would be out of the house, the smirks on their faces told him exactly what they were expecting to happen. Needless to say, it didn’t. 

Daphne asked him to explain a math problem to her, but as Alex had started doing so, he’d been interrupted by his girlfriend surging forward and kissing him. Alex had frozen to the spot, so tense it felt like none of his muscles would ever work again. He didn’t know how long he’d sat there, eyes wide open in shock and throat still formed around his next words, before Daphne had pulled away, looking sad. Her eyes searched his face, and she let out a deep breath. After a minute, Alex still frozen to the spot and feeling his breath grow faster and faster, Daphne looked at him with a sad smile and resignation on her face. 

“You’re not into this, are you?” her voice was kind and gentle as she said the words, looking down and not meeting his eyes. Panic shot through Alex at her question. His hands gripped the notebook in his lap tightly, like it was the only thing that was keeping him alive right now. His breathing was getting more and more difficult, and it felt like his mind was blank. His heart was going to beat out of chest. 

“Daph, no, I- I don’t know what you’re talking- you just surprised me. I- I can’t-”

He felt Daphne’s hand rest on his wrist, squeezing gently. “Alex, breathe. . . It’s  _ okay.” _

Alex’s jaw snapped shut as tears stung in his eyes. He looked at Daphne, watching her smile at him with sadness and reassurance both. 

“I’m so sorry, Daph,” Alex choked out, willing the tears not to fall. 

“Don’t be, Alex. You’ve been. . . an amazing friend. And a  _ good  _ boyfriend, really, you have. But this has felt off for a while now, and I- I think I’ve figured it out.”

Even with the kind tone she was using, the fear filling Alex’s veins was immeasurable. No, no, no, no, she couldn’t have figured it out. He’d been so damn  _ careful.  _ A sob worked its way through his body, exploding out of his mouth involuntarily. He tried to block it by throwing his hand over his mouth, hunching over as he cried and turning his body away from Daphne. He felt her arms on his, one wrapping around his back and the other around his front, hugging him tightly. 

“It’s okay, Alex, it’s okay. Just breathe, you’re okay.” 

She continued to hold him through his sobs, shushing him, encouraging him to breathe, and whispering calming words until he had finally begun relaxing. When his sobs had ceased, he sat back up, but he didn’t look at her. He kept his eyes trained on the floor, but felt her reach a hand up to brush his hair out of his face. 

“I’m really sorry, Daphne. You didn’t deserve- I shouldn’t have. . .” he trailed off, not even knowing how to put his feelings into words. Daphne’s hand trailed from his shoulder down to grip his hand. 

“I get it, Alex. I mean it, Alex, you have nothing to be sorry for. And I want you to know. . . I don’t  _ care.  _ At all, okay? Even if this relationship didn’t work out for us, being with you has made me so happy. You’re such an amazing friend, okay? And if that’s all we’re ever going to be, I’ll be happy. I love you, Alex. Wholly,  _ platonically _ , and in whatever way it means for us.”

Alex wanted to cry all over again. The only people who had ever spoken to him in such a way, with such kindness and care, were Luke and Reggie. Listening to her, he knew why that was. Everything about their relationship had made him happy, but it was because they were  _ friends _ . Being with her felt like being with Luke, Reggie, and Bobby. Not like a romance. And he’d known that, he really had, but all this time he’d been trying to ignore it. 

This time, it was Alex who wrapped Daphne in a hug. She melted into the embrace, squeezing him back tightly. 

“Thank you, Daph. Thank you.” 

She nodded against his shoulder, and Alex could feel her smiling. When they pulled away from each other, Daphne’s smile seemed less sad. 

“I gotta say, as first boyfriends go, I think I could’ve done a lot worse.” 

Alex let out a laugh at that. He felt calmer than he had in  _ years.  _ Because here sat someone he didn’t have to hide in front of anymore. Daphne  _ knew _ , and she accepted him. She still cared about him. He smiled, genuinely, and nudged her with his shoulder playfully. They sat in a silence that was comfortable for the first time in weeks, just relaxing. 

“Alex,” Daphne started, sounding nervous. “I don’t know if you’ve ever. . . if you ever wanted to say it out loud, you know you can tell me, right?”

Alex took a deep breath, looking at his  _ ex- _ girlfriend. For once, he felt so sure of himself. 

“Thanks, Daphne. But if anyone’s going to be the first people I tell. . .”

She smiled, nodding her head. “Yeah. Well, when you’re done with that, give me a call? I just broke up with my boyfriend, and I could really use a friend right now.”

God, how many times was Daphne going to make him cry tonight?

He nodded to her, smiling as he pulled her back into his chest for another hug.

\----------

When Alex had come out to Reggie and Luke, it had been the first time he’d officially said the words “I’m gay” out loud. The boys had been confused at first, after watching three months of Alex and Daphne being in this picture perfect relationship, and Alex knew it had been a fair reaction. But he’d sat down with them, and he’d explained the fear, the expected rejection, the anxiety that loomed over him living with his parents, the pure confusion over everything. . . By the end of it all, the three of them were all in tears, and Reggie and Luke had wrapped him in a hug so tight it felt like a shield against everything that could ever hurt him. 

They’d been more supportive than Alex ever could have asked for. They didn’t treat his sexual preference any differently than they treated each other’s. In the same breath, Reggie would tease Luke about how he’d made a fool of himself in front of the entire cheer squad while also calling Alex out for once again- for the millionth time in the past three years- staring at stupid Josh Michaelson. Alex didn’t even like the guy; he was an asshole who never paid a lick of attention in classes, but he was too attractive for the guy to even know what to do with. 

Alex felt safer and happier after coming out to them than he’d been in years, even with the ever growing anxiety over everything else in his life and the fear of his parents finding out he was gay. He’d told Bobby, too, who he had never been as close with, but he was their friend and bandmate, so Alex thought he deserved to know, too. Bobby had just stared at him for a moment before saying, “Okay? I don’t care if you’re gay, Alex.”

Alex had wrapped the rhythm guitarist in a hug despite knowing that Bobby didn’t like hugging, and for once Bobby allowed the touch, whispering just loud enough for Alex to hear that if anyone gave him crap, he’d beat them up. Alex had just laughed gratefully and nodded, releasing Bobby from the embrace. He’d been nervous about telling Bobby, but just like Daphne, Luke, and Reggie, Alex had had no reason to worry. 

Luke and Reggie had been nothing less than wonderful in the past seven months since he’d come out to them. They reminded him even more than usual that he was their brother, that they loved him. And Alex and Daphne had remained friends, fitting better together after their breakup than they ever had while they were dating. They were both unabashedly themselves with each other, nothing to hide anymore. Alex had even helped her get a date with the captain of their school’s baseball team. 

It seemed that Alex could  _ not,  _ however, help Reggie get a date. He’d offered- well, tried to offer- advice to his best friend on asking out the girl he’d been crushing on the past month, but it had gone unheard in favor of Luke’s very unhelpful, frankly useless advice. The two of them had been going back and forth for almost 15 minutes now, discussing what were probably the worst pickup lines Alex had ever heard come from them, cheesy date ideas, and ways to ask the poor girl out that were frankly just plain  _ bad.  _ Releasing a big sigh, Alex stood up from his seat on the studio couch, looking at his rambling best friends. 

“Okay, dumbasses. The only thing you’re gonna get out of Claudia if you keep coming up with ideas like this is rejection.”

Reggie pouted at him, and Luke looked offended. “Hey! What do you know, Alex? You’ve only asked someone out once in your life.”

Alex smiled tightly at Luke, nodding his head. “Yes. Exactly. And might I remind you where exactly that ended up? Out of the three of us, I am the  _ only one  _ of us who’s ever had a girlfriend. You do realize that? I’m  _ gay _ , and yet I still have more experience dating girls than either of you.”

The way Reggie and Luke went silent was almost comical. Both of them just froze, blinking at him. Their faces were blank, but Alex could see in their eyes how their brains were running a mile a minute. Slowly, practically in sync, Luke and Reggie turned to look at each other. They just sat there, looking like Alex had shocked their whole world. Alex just stood there looking at them, waiting. He took a deep breath as he looked between them, feeling laughter bubble up within him. 

Finally, Luke and Reggie seemed to snap back into it, speaking loudly over each other to themselves and Alex. 

“Oh my god-”

“No, shit, wait-”

“How is he the only one who’s had a-”

“I can’t believe the gay guy is the one getting dates with girls-”

“What the  _ fuck,  _ Alex-”

Alex just burst out laughing, the looks on their faces too good not to enjoy. It was like their entire lives had been reset with a few sentences. The boys had spent the rest of the day in a state of shock, and Alex had just enjoyed the ride. He never let them forget it either. Every time he watched them flirt with a girl at their latest gig, every time they had a new date, every time he was reminded that his best friends in the entire world were, you know, actually attracted to women, Alex wasted no time lording that fact over them. He thought it was  _ hilarious.  _ Luke and Reggie didn’t find the humor in it as much as he did. 

“God, Alex, how long are you going to keep bringing this up?” Luke would whine every time. At this point it was almost more routine than anything; an everlasting joke that never failed to make Alex laugh, which- even if they were the butt of the joke- made Luke and Reggie smile in turn. Seeing Alex look free and happy as he laughed would always be worth it. It’s not like they were completely hopeless anyway; they both went on dates. They just. . . hadn’t found the right girl for them yet. No one they’d clicked with enough to make it to the girlfriend question. Until they did, they could sacrifice teasing from Alex for a while. 

With every whine from Luke when Alex brought it up though- partly out of genuine complaint and partly out of wanting to see Alex laugh and smile about it-, Alex had always given the same response. 

“Oh, I’m bringing this up until the day I die, guys. Until the day I die.”

\---------

For seven months now, the boys had been ghosts. Seven months of learning how to live an entirely new life, navigating a new band, and just figuring things out. Everything had shaped up after they’d escaped Caleb’s curse and crossing over. They were all together, as a family. Alex had even gotten a  _ boyfriend.  _ An actual boyfriend, with whom he was in a real relationship. It was so different than it ever had been with Daphne. He missed her and their friendship, and Alex really hoped that she was going well in whatever her life had brought her. 

With Willie, Alex felt warm and bubbly inside in a way he really never had before. His hands didn’t shake when he held Willie’s, any silence between them wasn’t suffocating, and Alex was bouncing with giddiness before dates instead of with nerves. Willie made him just so happy and safe and comfortable. Luke and Reggie had always made sure that Alex knew his sexuality wasn’t something that was wrong with him, that it wasn’t a problem. But being with Willie made him accept it in a way that was completely new. Everything seemed to be falling in place for him.

Luke, on the other hand? Still just as much of a mess as usual. Luke had fallen for Julie, and he’d fallen  _ hard.  _ Head over heels, couldn’t stop staring at her, made excuses to be by her side, touch her, and talk to her type of fallen for her. It was adorable to watch, really, while at the same time being the most infuriating thing Alex and Reggie had ever seen. They had finally convinced him to ask her out, at least. The two of them had been on four dates so far. The weirdness of being a ghost and a human had made things a little awkward for them, but their strange balance between being ghosts and corporeal since the incidents with Caleb made it just easy enough that Julie and Luke looked like they were on the road to making it work. Except that Luke was still struggling to actually ask Julie to be his girlfriend. He’d chickened out twice already. With each failure, Reggie and Alex spent hours with a moping Luke, trying to encourage the guitarist. 

“Okay, really, dude, you just gotta rip off the bandaid and do it already,” Alex sighed out after what had maybe been a half an hour of trying to build up Luke’s courage. “This is just getting sad. You know she’s going to say yes, okay? You know that. So  _ please,  _ I am begging you, stop leaving me alone in the I’ve Had A Girlfriend Club and-”

“Hey!” Reggie interrupted, pointing an accusing finger at Alex. The drummer stopped, staring at the bassist in confusion. Luke turned his mopey pout on Reggie, too, silently asking what was up. “Alex, you promised!”

Alex frowned at him. “Promised  _ what?” _

Reggie scoffed, throwing his hands up in the air like it was obvious. “When we asked how long you’d bring up the thing about you having a girlfriend, you promised you’d do it until the day you died. Well, we’re dead. So now you have to stop! No more jokes.”

Reggie looked proud of himself. From beside him, Luke’s face grew a wide, giddy smile, which he turned on Alex excitedly. Alex’s mouth had dropped open a little bit in realization and surprise. He imagined he looked very similar to Luke and Reggie that first time he’d brought it up. 

“Well, that- Hang on, I don’t think- I mean, I wasn’t exactly expecting to die at 17 and become ghosts! There’s no way that counts!”

“No, no, no, Alexander,” Luke singsonged happily. “You said until the day you died.”

Reggie shrugged, “Sorry, man, we didn’t make the rules.”

They both looked far too pleased with themselves at their realization, teasing glints in both their eyes. Alex just looked between them a few moments before snapping his jaw shut, pursing his lips in resignation. Reggie and Luke both took it as a sign of victory, laughing happily and giving each other a high five. Alex just rolled his eyes at them. 

He wasn’t upset about it, not really. It might have been his favorite thing to torture his brothers with, but he wouldn’t mourn the loss of the joke. He was sure he could find a way to lord it over them still. 

Oh! 

Maybe he’d tell Julie about it. 

Alex laughed to himself at that idea. Julie had become his partner in crime in teasing the other two band members. She’d think it was as priceless as he did. To see the look on her face when she found out would be almost as good as watching Luke and Reggie the first time they found out she knew. Reggie and Luke had been right, and a deal was a deal. He was dead, which meant he couldn’t bring to them the fact that he had been the first one to ever get a girlfriend up anymore. But Julie? Julie could bring it up as many times as she wanted. 

As Alex plotted in his mind, Luke and Reggie had returned to the conversation of asking out Julie with a renewed energy, pumping Luke up and getting him excited. He watched them with a small smile on his face, not flinching or taking his eyes off of them as he heard the familiar sound of a ghost poofing in next to him. Willie wrapped an arm around Alex’s waist, seemingly an instinct whenever they were next to each other. Alex smiled in return greeting as Willie pressed a kiss to his cheek. 

“Hey, Hot Dog. What’s up?”

Alex laughed a little, leaning into his boyfriend. “Operation Get Luke A Girlfriend.”

Willie huffed a laugh of his own, settling in with Alex on the couch as they watched the show in front of them. Reggie and Luke always fed off each other’s energy, which now had them bouncing around the studio excitedly, nothing but smiles and joy filling the room. 

For Alex, the important question had never been “when did you know you were gay” or “how did you realize”. For Alex, what had been important was “What made you feel safe enough to come out?”

It was this. 

It was the feeling of excitement and love that was currently filling the studio. It was the acceptance Daphne had shown him so many years ago. It was the feeling of Willie’s arm around him and mindless kisses the skater pressed to his cheek. It was Julie’s sense of humor and bright smile that had him excited to share a new part of his life with her. It was getting to spend forever with his brothers and knowing they would never abandon him. 

It was knowing that no matter what came next, he would be able to get through it. 

**Author's Note:**

> This originally started as a random thought I had that it would be funny if Alex was the only one who'd ever actually had a girlfriend, which turned into a full on rant sent to one of my best friends, which turned into a real quick brainstorming session and an "I can make a fanfic out of this" moment with a different friend. Because I'm me, I just had to go and make it emotional and kind of angsty. Sorry, I guess??
> 
> To my girl zendrella: thank you so much for coming up with the "until the day I die" joke at the end of this fic and Reggie calling him out on it once they've actually died <3 I laughed my head off when you brought it up.


End file.
